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28/3/2020 Memento Mori When I was 9 years old my father died. My mother, having had two heart attacks, was considered fragile, we lived with the unspoken knowledge that she was likely to die sooner rather than later, my father was the strong, capable parent. One day he went to bed with chest pains, my mother and I propped him up with pillows and I played at being a nurse, fussing about with sheets not really understanding what was going on. Two days later I kissed him goodbye as I went to school and that was the last time I saw him. The hospital rule was that anyone under 13 wasn’t allowed on the ward and so while my mother visited I would wait outside. He died there and I remember emptying the hospital property bag, his false teeth falling onto the kitchen table, which was shocking proof that he was, in fact dead. Many of us are going to repeat some of that experience very soon. We know that a four thousand bed hospital is being kitted out in London; a 5,000 bed hospital in Birmingham; a 1000 bed hospital in Manchester, with similar hospitals in Glasgow, Cardiff and possibly Belfast. We know that temporary morgues are being set up across the country. We know it and we cannot bear to know it. The streets are quiet, the weather has been good and many of us are distracted by a sudden, unexpected and catastrophic collapse of income. But we all know that there is something much more fundamental coming. Mothers Day was a hint for some families. Therapists tend to focus on the adult children of parents who couldn’t or didn’t care for them properly, but the pain of the many more adult children who didn’t experience neglect or abuse, and their mothers on Mothers Day was equally real. Some people stood at the end of a path and sang songs or held a little party that the grandchildren came along to while their mother stood in the doorway. Some mothers were in care homes and not even that was possible. Fathers day is on June 21st, around a month after the peak of deaths from C19 has been calculated to fall. Now, when a person gets put in an ambulance to go to hospital they may as well be taken to Mars. Most hospitals will not allow any visitors unless there are truly exceptional circumstances, such as a relative having dementia, and then one designated person may visit at the discretion of whomever is in charge. This is necessary to preserve life and it has a terrible human cost. Wherever C19 has spread people have died alone. They have already died alone in the UK, even in hospices. Why am I telling you this? Not to frighten you, although of course you’re frightened. I’m frightened. I’m telling you this in the hope that you will now do and say the things you need to do and say because for too many of us, a point will come when it is too late, and that point is around two weeks away. Life is not a soap opera. If you spend any time working with people who are dying that becomes crystal clear very quickly. Now, right now, is the time to think about what you want to say to the people you love, even people you like. Make care and love your guide, even though there are things about everyone that are annoying. You are thinking about what you want to say to them on their deathbed, what you want them to know when you are on yours. The only reason you might want to spend a long time thinking about what you want to say is if you need to get past anger and resentment. Otherwise, write it down this weekend. If it’s on your computer, print it out. If everyone you know is well, you can come back to it over time and edit it but it doesn’t matter that it’s not Shakespeare. Phone people or Skype them on Sunday evening, let them know you have something important to say, and read it out to them. It doesn’t matter if you get choked up, say what you need to say. If they can’t bear to hear you say it, it’s OK, at some point they may be ready, and if they’re not ready by next week send them a letter. Write letters for your children. Decide who you want to be their legal guardians, talk to that person or persons about it and put it in writing. I’m not a lawyer so I can’t advise you on the legal ins and outs of it but there’s lots of information on the net. In the UK on average every 30 minutes a child under 16 loses a parent. This average is going to change next week. Make a secret collection of things for them that will remind them of you and keep it secret, the very last thing a child needs is to know that their parents are preparing to leave them. But if they want to talk with you about you dying think now about how you might respond. “Oh don’t worry about it, I’m never going to die” is not good enough. Whether or not you have children it’s important to attend to the legal stuff too, like writing a will if you haven’t already, which will be a demonstration of how love fits in to your life. Too many people use wills to act out, never thinking that they will actually die. Sometimes this behaviour is a kind of fantasy, a dramatic and immature playing out of a dream in which the person writing the will gets the final upper hand. Sometimes this is abuse, continued even after death. If you’re the first kind of person, now is the time to grow up. If you’re the second kind of person, there’s nothing that will change your mind and your death will be as your life was. C19 is a scourge but in taking us to the edge of the precipice and holding us there it is helping all of us discern what is more or less important. And still there are many people - including a great many therapists, we’re far from immune from this - who are in denial and distorting reality because it’s far too terrifying to endure. The odds are against you dying. If you're hospitalised, even ventilated, you may well come out again. But thousands of people are going to die, many of them will be in the prime of their lives. Even some of the very rich with all the access to private, high tech, constant, highly skilled medical care have already died. Ventilators just give the body a chance to fight back, they don't do the fighting. Please do not wait until you or someone you love is being put into an ambulance before you try to find the words. Think now. Talk now. Act now. But if you find that you’ve waited too long and that moment is reached, “I love you, thank you” will be enough.  Mothers Day tomorrow. How might we mark Mothers Day when we have to remain separate from our mother, especially - and especially sadly - if she's over 70? COVID 19 is making us prioritise what is most precious to us, and although the relationship between adult children and their parents can sometimes be difficult, missing Mothering Sunday is particularly poignant this year. Here's a 4 minute podcast on celebrating Mothering Sunday when you and your mother have to be apart. 15/3/2020 Managing COVID 19 Anxiety Anxiety has been the most widespread mental health issue in the UK for some years but it’s not surprising that everyone is experiencing it now that COVID19 has reached us. Information about this virus is emerging all the time, no one is an expert on it and experts on viral spread are in disagreement about how best to deal with it, so we just have to manage our own and each other’s anxiety as best we can. Here are some ideas based on the following principles: Anxiety serves an evolutionary purpose It alerts us to threats and gives us some tools to deal with them. If you’re an early hominid living on the Savannah or a modern human walking through town at night you need to be aware of predators and to be able to run or fight. Anxiety keeps you alert and offers adrenalin to aid you in dealing with immediate problems. Anxiety limits the ability to make good decisions People who bulk buy soap are preventing others from taking reasonable precautions and so increase their own likelihood of getting the virus. If you continue to come into work when you don’t have to you’re exposing your family, friends and everyone you come within 2m of to the virus. Anxiety causes over and underthinking. Chronic anxiety becomes self-fulfilling Worry becomes focus – we’re all doing that with COVID 19 – and our natural cognitive bias leads us to focus on what we expect. Anxiety becomes persistent, then intrusive, then disruptive. Long term anxiety has serious consequences For your general health and in particular for your immune system. Anxiety is a public health issue It's caused stockpiling - of toilet paper! People are fist fighting in supermarket isles, queue's are getting testy, well off people are consuming vast amounts of preservable food, too many retailers are price gouging, poorer people can't get enough provisions for 2 weeks isolation and foodbank donations have plummeted. Anxiety leads to fear which very early on emerged as xenophobia, and can create panic, especially in vulnerable groups who are already living on the margins. Suicide rates are high and young people as a group were expressing a great deal of stress before C19. Here are some things you can do today Change your social media use It’s unreasonable to suggest that we stop using social media since it’s where the majority of us get our information about everything from, but we can consciously alter what we see and how often. Consider muting words on twitter https://help.twitter.com/en/using-twitter/advanced-twitter-mute-options Snooze unhelpful accounts on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/help/538433456491590 Mute unhelpful stories on Instagram https://help.instagram.com/290238234687437 Add accounts that you find soothing. If you find conspiracy-led accounts soothing – many of us do because everyone likes to be told they’re right – try seeking something neutral, like cooking, decorating, art, Lego, anything that doesn’t tell you that They have a plan. The Dodo always has happy endings and other nature-based accounts can be useful. Learn something new TED, podcasts and books are obvious replacements. Also take a look at free online courses Future Learn https://www.futurelearn.com/ Stanford https://online.stanford.edu/ And many other universities http://www.openculture.com/freeonlinecourses Think about rationing social media and certainly your use of computers, phones and tablets, particularly in the evening. Move! Gyms may not be the best places to be right now but exercise helps sleep, cognition, and has a measurable positive impact on anxiety. Walk to the shops, get off the bus one stop before you need to, take the stairs, walk faster, extend what you normally do with your body. The NHS offers whole sets of free Pilates and other core strength videos for everyone, including elderly people. Develop your human connections We are social animals and don’t do well on our own. Speaking as a dedicated introvert I know that if I don’t speak to other human beings at least once a day life can take on a less realistic hue. Turn your attention to people you care for, ask what kind of care they’d like from you and let them know what kind of care you’d like from them. Talk to your neighbours. Make friendly eye contact – yes, it is possible in London – especially with people working in shops, bus drivers and other people in public service who cannot wash their hands as often as they might want to and are exposed to C19 in ways that most of us are not. Do Good. Being useful helps with all kinds of emotional problems. It’s instinctive. If all you can manage is to make friendly eye contact with an unknown human being today, do that. Altruism increases your sense of connection and belonging, offers a sense of purpose and, if done with no sense of martyrdom please, reduces anxiety. If you can really follow through with an offer to shop for someone who will find it difficult, do that. Don’t offer if you can’t do it because the guilt you’ll feel isn’t worth it. You don’t have to be Mother Theresa to put some quality food, soap, washing up liquid, nappies or sanitary towels in the supermarket food bank box or the online order option. Pat a dog, stroke a cat, send a thank you card to your GP, take muffins to A&E, do what makes someone else feel warmer. Rest Few of us get enough rest. Now is the time to prioritise it. Tired people are anxious. Don’t go out in the evenings, don’t invite large numbers of people round, who cares if the ironing isn’t done? If, as many workers know all too well, your boss is unreasonable, really focus on whether it’s worth working under someone who is so unskilled. Life is short. Be careful who you let determine how you live it. Mindfulness – meh. Meditation, yes, even if that’s sitting in silence with your eyes shut and listening to a clock tick 60 times. “Don’t get caught up in the how — just do.” Anxiety is a reality at present, we’re going to have to live with it for a while. COVID 19 can help us prioritise how we live, the kinds of people we want around us and the kind of person we want to be. If not now, when? 14/3/2020 Virus Anxiety
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CategoriesAll Abandonment Abuse Ancestors Anger Anxiety Ash Wednesday Attitude Banking Bereavement Birthday Bravery Breivik Bystander Effect Camila Batmanghelidjh Carnival Cbt Challenger Charlotte Bevan Childbirth Childhood Children Christmas Coaching Compassion Contemplation Control Counselling COVID 19 Culture Dalai Lama Death Death Cafe Democracy Denial Depression Domestic Violence Dying Eap Earth Day Empathy Employment Eric Klinenberg Ethics Exams Existential Failure Family Annihilation Fear Founders Syndrome Francis Report Gay Cure Genocide George Lyward Goldman Sachs Good Death Greg Smith Grief Grieving Grooming Groupthink Happiness Hate Hungary Illness Interconnectedness Jason Mihalko Jubilee Kids Company Kitty Genovese Life Light Living Loneliness Love Mandatory Reporting Meaning Men Mental Health Mid Staffs Mindfulness Money Mothers New Year Nigella Lawson Optimism Organisational Collapse Oxford Abuse Panama Papers Panic Panic Attacks Parenthood Petruska Clarkson Pleasure Politics Positivity Post Natal Depression Power Priorities Priority Productivity Psychotherapy Ptsd Red Tent Reflection Rena Resilience Riots Rites Of Passage Ritual Robin Williams Sad Sales Savile Scared Seasonal Affective Disorder Self Care Self Preservation Self-preservation Shock Sin Singletons Sport Spring Status St David St Georges Day Stress Suarez Suicide Support Talking Terry Pratchett Time Transition Trauma True Self Truth Understanding Unemployment Valentines Day Viktor Frankl Violence Whistleblowing Who Am I Winter Blues Women Work Archives
July 2020
CategoriesAll Abandonment Abuse Ancestors Anger Anxiety Ash Wednesday Attitude Banking Bereavement Birthday Bravery Breivik Bystander Effect Camila Batmanghelidjh Carnival Cbt Challenger Charlotte Bevan Childbirth Childhood Children Christmas Coaching Compassion Contemplation Control Counselling COVID 19 Culture Dalai Lama Death Death Cafe Democracy Denial Depression Domestic Violence Dying Eap Earth Day Empathy Employment Eric Klinenberg Ethics Exams Existential Failure Family Annihilation Fear Founders Syndrome Francis Report Gay Cure Genocide George Lyward Goldman Sachs Good Death Greg Smith Grief Grieving Grooming Groupthink Happiness Hate Hungary Illness Interconnectedness Jason Mihalko Jubilee Kids Company Kitty Genovese Life Light Living Loneliness Love Mandatory Reporting Meaning Men Mental Health Mid Staffs Mindfulness Money Mothers New Year Nigella Lawson Optimism Organisational Collapse Oxford Abuse Panama Papers Panic Panic Attacks Parenthood Petruska Clarkson Pleasure Politics Positivity Post Natal Depression Power Priorities Priority Productivity Psychotherapy Ptsd Red Tent Reflection Rena Resilience Riots Rites Of Passage Ritual Robin Williams Sad Sales Savile Scared Seasonal Affective Disorder Self Care Self Preservation Self-preservation Shock Sin Singletons Sport Spring Status St David St Georges Day Stress Suarez Suicide Support Talking Terry Pratchett Time Transition Trauma True Self Truth Understanding Unemployment Valentines Day Viktor Frankl Violence Whistleblowing Who Am I Winter Blues Women Work |
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